Friday, December 29, 2006


She put on the headphones, slipped the CD into the player, and turned the sound up as loud as she could stand. She didn't want to think so she chose the music with care. Something loud, driven, and mind-scrubbing. With a bit of luck the aggressive attack of music on her eardrums would keep the thoughts at bay.

The last time he had drifted from her bed she'd been devastated at first and then she'd been angry. It had been too easy for the chaos to take over her life. With almost no convincing she'd gone out and found the single most unsuitable man she could find. Mr. Destructive had been too young, too crude, and the owner of a huge mean streak. Love's polar opposite in every way.

Mr. Destructive showed her little to no respect, had a violent temper, and was more self-centered than a black hole. The chaos couldn't get enough of him. Their fights were legendary and the sex was exciting. But it wasn't love. She had tried to pretend it was. The chaos had tried to convince her it was. But her heart hadn't been fooled.

She had come to her senses just over a year later. Mr. Destructive had been firmly moved into the friend category and she'd worked hard to push the chaos back out of her life. Shortly after that he had drifted back into her bed.

This time she was working hard to ignore the siren call of the chaos. Mr. Destructive was still in her life and the chaos thought he was a good candidate, but luckily her head was still in charge. She wondered how long that would remain true. She wondered how long it would be before he drifted back into her bed this time. Mostly she wondered if he suspected where she drifted to when he was gone.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Relationship Guide?

I have friends and family that are in just about every stage of a relationship possible. Although I am single, I seem to be the one that my friends and family talk to about their relationships. Sometimes they ask me for advice or need to vent, but sometimes it's just to share. Sometimes it's girlfriends, but there are also guy friends that seek me out. I am by no means a relationship expert. Some would say the fact that I'm not in one now and haven't been in one for years proves that I don't know anything about relationships. That may be true. But it doesn't change the fact that people come to me often.

I've been thinking about this for a couple of days now and a few ideas have been swirling around in my head. No one ever really teaches us how to have a good relationship. Most of us try to learn by example or learn from trial and error. If you are a child of divorce like myself then learning by example can be difficult. Not that my mother doesn't know how to have a good relationship. It just took her three tries to get it right.

The impetus for those swirling ideas came from a young friend's request for a "guide" to relationships. I laughed at first. Who was I to give anyone advice about anything? Especially considering the mess that my life seems to constantly be in. Then that young friend reminded me that of all the people he knew, I was the happiest. I can't take complete credit for that. I'm genetically perky. Although I'm not sure how that is possible since neither of my parents are of the particularly perky variety. Nevertheless, I am decidedly perky. But I am also happy most of the time.

So in an effort to help some of my friends, I thought I could at least give it some thought. Maybe mention a few guidelines. The kind of things that you think everyone should already know and probably do, but maybe they don't give them the kind of thought they deserve.

1. Communication.
I wasn't going to number this list like it was some sort of school lesson, but I honestly do believe that communication is the number one rule/guideline/requirement for any relationship. And by "any" I do mean any, not just dating or marriage. While there are some people in this world that are blessed with the ability to read people's thoughts or emotions, chances are you are not in a relationship with one who is. Don't make them guess because this isn't a game. Your heart is not a prize on Jeopardy. If you feel strongly enough about something to talk to your girlfriends or you guy friends about it, then you need to share that with the one you love. Don't assume they know you well enough to know how you feel. Often that is not the case. Now that doesn't mean they don't love you. It just means they are not psychic or empathic. The reverse side of that is you should encourage them to come to you and do the same.

2. Honesty.
I know that one seems like a given, but you'd be surprised. Don't say things are all right if they aren't. Don't pretend you're fine if you're not. If something bothers you, speak up. If something inspires you, speak up. If something excites you, speak up. And if you don't know what is wrong then be honest about that too. Humans are very complex creatures. Our emotions/feelings/moods are often connected to our physical states. Sometimes just being hungry can put you in a bad mood. And almost any woman out there can tell you that sometimes being angry/upset/sad can make you think you're hungry. So be aware of what is going on in your mind, body, soul, and environment. It's all connected. Be honest with yourself. Be honest with your loved ones. Heck, be honest with everyone you know. It just makes like easier.

3. Respect.
The Golden Rule DOES apply to life after kindergarten or Sunday school. Be aware of what you say and how you treat others. Ask yourself how you would feel is someone said or did that to you. If you would have a negative response then chances are they would too. This should apply to everyone that you encounter in your life, but especially to those you love. If you love them enough to want to protect them then make sure you protect them from yourself as well. And if they love you then they should do the same for you. If you're not sure how you and your loved one are doing in that area, your friends might be able to give you a clue. If they think he/she is the best thing that ever happened to you and that you're lucky then chances are it's true. You should treat them as if that is true. If your friends think that your loved one doesn't treat you well then you might need to take a closer look at how much respect they are giving you. You should never allow someone to give you less respect than you deserve. No one is put on this Earth to be subservient to anyone. Don't ever let anyone make you feel like you are.

4. Love and affection.
I cannot stress enough how important it is to share how you feel about someone as often as you can. Say it often. Show it often. This is the area that my guy friends ask me for advice in the most. I hear from friends of both sexes that the opposite sex is either too simple or too hard to figure out. Here's the thing people, everyone is different. I know some guys that are extremely easy to please and I know some that you couldn't please with every resource in the world open to you. And I know just as many women in both categories. But most of us are somewhere in the middle. Knowing the person you love is the key to pleasing them. Don't do things with or for them that will make you happy. Do things with or for them that will make them happy. If she prefers roses, white wine, and moonlit beaches, don't buy her edible underwear, a six pack of cheap beer, and take her to a wrestling match. If he prefers steak, brew pubs, and action movies, don't drag him to a poetry reading and a vegetarian tea party. Guys, open doors for her. Girls, let him open door for you without a fuss. Girls, don't pretend you only eat salad and watch emotional, foreign films. Guys, don't assume we only eat salad and watch emotional, foreign films. It comes back to being honest. Girls, if you want to go see a "chick flick" then tell him. Guys, if you want to go have a big steak and cold beer then tell her. Do both and then the next night eat where she wants to and go check out that action flick with 18 car chases. You're both in this relationship so you both should participate in it. Compromise and you'll both be happy. Just keep in mind that no one is happy all the time. You're both going to have good days and bad days. But will a little tender loving care you'll have far more good ones than bad ones.

"Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins." I Peter 4:8

Sunday, December 03, 2006

New Poetry...

I know it's not Saturday, but it's my blog and my poetry and I'll post it when I want to. :P


one says that some of my love

is better than none at all
that it is just far too late
to try and break his fall
one begs me every day
for another second chance
but my heart isn’t in
that same old song and dance
every beat of my heart
whispers someone else’s name
like a spark to an ember
re-igniting an old flame
my thoughts drifting back
to when he was near
how i wanted to speak
but didn’t out of fear
frightened that my feelings
would rush out of me
driving him far away
making us never to be
the feel of his arms
the colour of his eyes
the tenderness of his touch
the happiness in his sighs
he fills my thoughts
he warms my heart
he stirs my soul
he has from the start
no one else exists for me
my world contains only two
it will forever be this way
because love is always true

Gratitude Sundays - Part IV...

I am continually thankful for...

WendyDarling, Cleggy, & their family for treating me like family and letting me share their holiday and home.

Surviving my first weeks back at work.

Spending some quiet time with my best friend, Cleggy. Thanks to him I was able to relax and vent enough to begin dealing with having survived my year from hell.

All my online friends.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Gratitude Sundays - Part III...

By now hopefully there are no explanations needed so here is my third entry for "Gratitude Sundays"...

I am continually thankful for...

God, my family, & friends - you know, the usual suspects. :)

To finally have gone back to work last Monday and that the wonderful people I work with are excited to have me back.

The internet that provides a place for me to share my thoughts, emotions, and writing with the world through my blog. And that so many of my family and friends read it.

A doctor that is so passionate about my health that he calls me personally to give me important test results. Perceptive enough to know why it will be months before I can even think about another surgery. And patient enough to answer all of my questions even when the waiting room is full and the office is running two doctors short.

An "adopted" family (Thank you again, Cleggy & WendyDarling!) to visit for the holidays so that I don't have to be alone.

Gratitude Sundays - Part II...

Again I urge everyone out there to take part in this. It truly is uplifting. So much so that I don't think I will stop after Thanksgiving. What can I say? I have a lot to be thankful for.

So without further ado here is my second entry for "Gratitude Sundays"...

I am continually thankful for...

God, my family, & friends.

Medical technology that allows doctors to look inside our bodies without need to use invasive methods like surgery.

My God-given talents that allow me to express myself in ways that can relieve my stress and share my feelings.

For the internet that allows me to keep in touch and even grow closer to loved ones both nearby and far away.

Public Libraries. Not only for giving us access to books, videos, & DVD's that we wouldn't otherwise have access to but also for their continuing contributions to the community through reading programs, knowledge building classes, information, and dedication.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Gratitude Sundays...

For about six years now I've belonged to an online group for plus-sized women. These women are like family to me and have greatly enriched my life. Our moderator started "Gratitude Sundays" for the month of November last year. This year I am so excited by this weekly chance to examine all the wonderful parts of my life that I wanted to extend it to my blog. I encourage everyone that reads this to participate. It truly is uplifting.

So without further ado here is my first entry for "Gratitude Sundays"...

I am continually thankful for...

God's presence in my life that keeps me safe, healthy, happy, sane, & inspired.

My loving family & friends especially those who touch my life on a daily basis - Cleggy, WendyDarling (& their family), Margo, KwizGiver, Violet Mistress, Maria, my brother, my sister (& her gorgeous children), & all FOUR of my parents - Mommy, Pops, Dad, & Joan.

All the well-trained, talented, & caring medical personnel that are helping me on my road to healing my battered, but unbowed body especially my nurse and new friend, Liz, who comes to my house & cares not only for my physical wounds but my emotional ones as well, my dilligent & determined surgeon, Dr. Fairweather, whose sense of humor & sweet staff have made a nightmare into something I can bear, and my celebrated & famous liver specialist, Dr. Le Sage, whose bedside manner & passion makes me hopeful & confident of a long, full life.

The unknown person who made that unselfish decision to give the blood that saved my life in June. There are no words that can express how grateful I truly am.

The wonderful people of the Muscular Dystrophy Association who are very patiently waiting for my return to work & have never once complained when the planned one week off for my surgery turned into five months.

Although I already mentioned him, he deserves to be mentioned twice - Cleggy, for allowing me to lean on him more heavily than ever as I struggle to come to terms with all the changes & stress in my life. His twisted sense of humor never fails to make me smile or laugh even through the tears.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Happy Belated Birthday, Tammy!

A while ago I was out and heard the song "My Sister" by Reba McEntire and it made me think of you. Then I raced to the car to write down the poem that started rushing through my head. Need I mention that I was actually in the bathroom when I heard it? Or that by "raced" I mean waddled? Of course not. :P

So my goal was to work the kinks out of the poem and have it ready by your birthday. Yeah right. So here we are six days after your birthday and I've finally beat it into submission and posted it. And I even learned how to post the song that went with it. Somehow I think maybe I'm getting more out of this gift than you are. Hope you enjoy it anyway. :P

a sisters story

staying up talking until three
jokes between just you and me
so much laughter and so many tears
we wouldn’t trade even one of our years
making wishes and sharing secrets
easing sorrows and lightening regrets
fought and made up like siblings should
grew up together long past childhood
but that’s not where our story ends
we started as sisters and became friends

My Sister by Reba McEnitre

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered...

He could tell the moment she entered the room, but he refused to look up. He was too busy trying to convince himself that he was too old to be this affected by a total stranger. Every night for over a week she'd come in with an alternating group of people. And every night for over a week his eyes were constantly drawn to her.

He had memorized the way the light glinted off of her golden hair. The way her deep blue eyes flashed when the the discussion became heated. The brightness of her smile and the quickness of her laughter. The richness of her voice as she warmed to the conversation. The passion on her face as she leaned forward to make a point.

Too late he realized that he was staring at her yet again. His hungry eyes roaming over the vast whiteness of her skin and laying claim to all he could see as if he had a right to it. Like a drowning man trying to stay above water he tore his eyes away from the soft hint of the hollow between her breasts only to find her looking right at him.

His embarrassment nearly made him miss the challenge in her eyes as she slid her hair off her shoulder and leaned further forward. When she slowly wet her soft pink lips he thought his heart was going to stop beating. Before he could stop himself he licked his own lips and watched her deep blue eyes follow the movement with interest. He swallowed so hard he was sure she could hear it. Now that she had noticed him he couldn't think clearly.

He felt himself falling into her electric blue eyes. The world around him shifted into nothingness and the din of the room became white noise. The only sound to make itself heard above the beating of his heart was the beating of hers. Then he heard her inhale deeply. Was it his imagination or did she just breathe his name?

Suddenly the world around him clicked back into place. Of course she hadn't said his name. She didn't even know his name and he didn't know hers. She was talking to her friends again as if nothing had happened and he began to doubt his sanity. She wasn't even aware he existed.

Disgusted with himself he gathered his things and headed to the door. Mentally shaking himself he decided that tomorrow night he would go somewhere else after work to unwind. He reached the door then turned to hold it open for the group of women behind him. Preoccupied with his own thoughts, he smiled vacantly as each woman thanked him as she passed.

"Thank you, William." Her sweet voice brought him back to the present. "See you tomorrow," she said with a smile. Before he could think of a reply, she had already disappeared around the corner. Her warm, liquid laughter floated back towards him and wiped all thoughts of going somewhere else from his mind. Of course he'd be back tomorrow. He smiled with anticipation and followed her into the night.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Trick or Treat?

I miss the Halloweens of my childhood. As I drove this evening I kept looking for any signs of it, but alas all I saw were stressed, impatient adults trying to get home or to a party. I kept waiting to see groups of children dressed up with bags in hand only to be disappointed. Still I long to see...

Yoda walking hand in hand with a ghost while Wonder Woman gleefully lists the contents of her bag. Knowing they were safe because Superman, Spiderman, and Batman were following close behind them. A ninja happily dragging at tiny angel behind him steadily reminding her to hold tight to her plastic pumpkin quickly filling with treats. Han Solo joins a witch with a green face, striped stockings, and a shy laugh. They both wave to Glenda the Good Witch crossing the street with a curly-headed pumpkin waddling slowly next to her. She bends to reassure him that black cats that are at least three feet tall and answering to the name of Melissa don't eat baby pumpkins. Sweet hobgoblins with the musical voices of elves haunting the streets of my memory.

Oh to be a child again and feel the warm trusting hand of my baby brother held lovingly in mine. To see his bright, freckled face smiling up at me as he begs me to take him to "just one more house, Sissy". To sit cross-legged and red-faced in the middle of the floor and pile our candy up together because it never occurred to us not to share. Dividing it into piles so we could share it with Mommy, Grammy, & Papa. A non-stop commentary of who we saw and who scared us delighting them as they waiting patiently for our sugar highs to gradually fade.

To be safely tucked into bed as Mommy kisses our foreheads. The taste of hot cocoa with marshmallows still on our tongues. Slowly drifting off to sleep while my baby brother asks if we can do it all again tomorrow. Knowing we'll have to wait a whole year but glad to have the memories that will last at least that long.

Happy All Hallow's Eve! May all your bags be filled with life's sweetest treats!

Monday, October 23, 2006

Dear George...

Please ignore the crazy rantings of that woman from Maine. While she's trying to warm up, I'll show you a hot time like only a southern belle can. Trust me, baby, you'll never look back.


P.S. Don't worry. Maine is very far away from Texas so you'll be safe with me.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

There are millions of people in worlds of their own...

Today was laundry day. I gathered up my dirty clothes, a book/crochet project, and my quarters. I loaded it all in to my car and headed out before 11 this morning, hoping to beat the crowd that always starts building around noon. Of course I had my light jacket on because since the surgery I tend to be colder than I am normally. I didn't pay attention to the weather at all. I just wanted to get it over with and home again.

Flash forward about two hours and I'm loading my now clean clothes back into my car. Suddenly the weather catches my attention and I realize the rarity of it in Houston. It's about 68 degrees (Fahrenheit of course), only 40% humidity (I say "only" because frequently it's 100% humidity here and NOT raining), there is a cool breeze blowing, AND the sun is shining. Can you say beautiful weather?

My first choice on how to celebrate this extremely rare and lovely day was a picnic. Alas, not only do I not have the money to buy what I'd need for a picnic lunch or a place to have a picnic, but I don't have anyone nearby to join me. So as an alternative I decide to take the scenic route home.

I roll down all the windows, open the sunroof, and crank the radio. My favorite Barenaked Ladies album is in the CD player ("Maybe You Should Drive" for anyone that is curious). I'm singing along loudly as I feel the fresh air rushing at me from all sides. People are staring at stoplights, but I don't care. It's not environmentally responsible of me to be driving around just for the hell of it, but again I don't care. I think the almost Zen state I'm achieving is more important than what little damage I might be doing to the environment.

All too soon my responsible side manages to finally be heard over the music and rushing air. With a sigh, I turn back towards home. What I would really like to do is head south towards the beach, spend a few hours soaking up some salt air, and read. But I know that I'm really not in good enough shape to make the nearly three-hour roundtrip drive and the walk to find a good spot to read. So it's back home for me.

Still it was a great drive filled with fresh air and fabulous music. Sometimes it's really good to live in Texas. :)

Monday, October 16, 2006

Someone Somewhere Has Unglued Our Epoxy...

The last 4+ months have been a test in patience and strength that I'm not sure I'm passing. This time five months ago I was independent, working a full-time job, paying my bills with relative ease, and looking forward to my upcoming birthday. Things look quite a bit different at this point in my life.

Don't get me wrong. I am so very grateful to everyone for all of their help. I wouldn't have made it through one single day of this ordeal without a very long list of loving family and friends. I don't know how I will ever repay them all or find a way to express just how grateful I am.

I'm still independent, more so now that I can actually take care of myself. My Dad and my Stepmom did most of the taking care of me for the first three months. I still have a full-time job, but I haven't put in even one hour of work since I had surgery at the beginning of June. I'm receiving short-term disability insurance, but since it amounts to about half of my regular pay financially I'm struggling. So much so that my Mom and Pops had to send me enough money to make my car note this month. As for my birthday, it passed in a pain-induced haze almost as if it was just another day.

Right now I'm overwhelmed, overwrought, overstressed, and overemotional. Not a real good combination for healing. I'm also eating Tylenol like it's Pez because my surgery wound is hurting and I don't want to take a pain pill. It's been a pretty rough weekend and I seem to be about five seconds away from crying all the time these days.

I've been trying to shake the feeling that I need to break down and fall apart so that I can try and put the pieces back together again. I'd like to curl up into a ball and cry until I don't have any tears left but I'm afraid if I start that I'll never stop. There are so many things I need to come to terms with but I don't have the time or the energy to do it.

Okay the drama queen is going to shut up now because I for one am sick to death of hearing me complain. Not really the update that was requested, but the best I could do at the moment. Thanks for reading!

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Testing, Testing...

Over the last few days I've been posting some very short stories. I want to thank everyone that gave me feedback on them. It is always greatly appreciated.

I've been making up stories for as long as I can remember. I would tell them to my baby brother. I would tell them to my Grammy. I would tell them to my dolls. I'd even tell them to the family dog if he'd sit still long enough.

Then one day I began to write them down. And about that time I stopped sharing them too.

My family expected me to get married and have kids or to make a great career for myself. Being a writer wasn't considered a great career, so my writing got increasingly less of my time. Until it became nothing more than a hobby.

Flash forward to now. I'm not married and I have no children. I have a job that I love but it's not a career. And the one thing that I really want to be is a writer.

Here is where I run into trouble. I come up with lots of ideas and usually have no trouble starting them, but I have a LOT of trouble finishing anything longer than a poem. I have several unfinished projects that I've put large amounts of time into that remain unfinished. It's like being trapped onstage and not being able to find the exit.

Over the weekend I got to thinking about it and decided that I would take a few ideas and purposefully write something very short with them. No pressure and no chance of them getting so big they overpower me. And I used my blog for their unveiling.

I still struggled with the endings. The first one was difficult until I stopped fighting the symmetry that wanted to be there. The second one just didn't want to end. A fact that a close friend pointed out by saying, "I like it but I don't like the ending. I think, in part, because I didn't want it to end. It seemed like a very good beginning of something a lot bigger and I wanted it to be." Tell me that doesn't do something for the old ego. The third one gave me trouble because I hadn't really thought it through as much as the first two stories. The characters were still virtual strangers to me so I didn't know where they were headed. So basically I faked it. Hope it didn't show too much.

I think this battle with endings might help me in the long run. At least I hope so. You can expect more very short stories since this is an ongoing battle. Like I said, feedback is always appreciated. If you don't want to leave a comment then feel free to email me.

Thanks again for reading!

Monday, October 02, 2006


I stop packing long enough to blow my nose. The tears make me angry and I’m glad no one is here to see my moment of weakness. How could I be so upset about leaving when it is my own idea? After all it’s the best thing for everyone. Especially him.

It was my own stupidity that got me into this mess so leaving without involving him is the least I can do. I know it’s the right thing to do, but the thought of never seeing him again makes me sadder than I thought possible. It’s only fair that doing the right thing is so very hard.

I’m not sure where I’ll go, but I know if I don’t leave soon I never will and that just won’t do. He is too good a person to be dragged down with me. Not to mention that this town would ever let him live this down. Some things still aren’t done in small Southern towns and an illegitimate child is definitely one of them.

Of course he would want to marry me and help raise his child but I would always wonder if he would have done so if I hadn’t gotten pregnant. I know he loves me and I love him. Yet marriage is not something either of us has ever considered or even discussed. He doesn’t need any more responsibilities and I’ve always prided myself on my independence.

With renewed resolve, I go back to packing. I need to be packed and on my way as soon as I can. The longer I wait the harder it will be and it’s already hard enough.

Mentally I begin making a list of all the things I need to take with me. I can’t forget anything. Whatever I forget will get left behind. Sadness threatens to overtake me again when there’s a knock at my door.

Nervously I open the door and am surprised to see him standing on my doorstep. Instinctively my hand moves to my lower abdomen. His eyes follow the motion then meet mine with a defiantly possessive gleam. My heart flutters but I simply step back so he can come inside.

I turn from closing the door and find him staring at the growing pile of luggage and boxes. He turns towards me in disbelief. “You were really going to leave and not tell me?” he asks sadly. My idea suddenly doesn’t sound like such a great one.

“You already have so many responsibilities. I just didn’t want to add to your burden.” I find I can’t stand the pain in his eyes and drop my gaze to my feet. After a few minutes I see his feet join mine and raise my watery eyes to his. The first tear slowly rolls down my cheek when I see the tears in his eyes.

Softly he caresses my cheek and says, “You could never be a burden to me. Either of you.” As his arms go around me he begs, “Please give me a chance to prove to you that this can work. I love you. I don’t want to marry you because you’re carrying our child. I want to marry you because you can make me laugh, make me think, and make my heart race all at the same time. I want to marry you because I can’t bare the thought of you not being in my life. Please don’t make me spend even one day without you.”

After his speech I could never again doubt why he wants to marry me. Tears begin to flow in earnest as I search for the right words to tell him how I feel. “I love you,” is all I can manage before emotion puts a lump in my throat.

“Is that a yes?” he teases. All I can do is shake my head in affirmation. Laughing, he kisses me softly. I melt into his arms as my own arms go around him. “How soon will you marry me?” he asks and it’s my turn to laugh.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Restless Soul...

I’m restless and I start to worry. It’s too soon, far too soon. The pattern is all I’ve been able to rely on all of these years. It’s how I’ve gauged my life style.

Now I find myself thinking things that I shouldn’t be for at least another year. Wondering what I’m missing out in the world while I’m stuck in this tiny town. Yesterday I was blissfully happy, but today the restlessness began chipping away at the edges.

It all started in college so many years ago. After dating the same boy for nearly three years, I began yearning for some time alone. Weeks later, intending only to be gone a few days, I found myself already immersed in a new life. The boy I was so in love with was barely a fond memory.

Now many years and loves later I’m two years into a relationship with a newspaper reporter in a small Texas town. Up until today I’ve been happy in a town where everyone knows everyone else. I’ve enjoyed dating the “catch of the county”.

He’s handsome in a big, cuddly teddy bear way with a wicked sense of humor and sharp wit. He never fails to make me laugh and can make me weak in the knees with a single kiss. He’s not perfect but that’s what makes him so wonderful.

For the last few weeks I’ve been thinking that I’ve never been this happy. That maybe there was something different about him. About us. Yet here I am, wide awake at two in the morning and planning my escape.

I pull the blanket more tightly around me as I feel the chill creeping in through the ancient glass in the bay window. I think for the hundredth time that we should install storm windows before winter really hits but stop myself with a reminder that I won’t be here long enough for that. A tiny moment of regret surprises and saddens me.

I reach up to brush away the tears when I feel him walk up behind me. Silently he slips his arms around me from behind and softly kisses my neck. We stand quietly, both thinking our own thoughts.

“Let’s get away for a while,” he whispers. I turn in his arms to look at his face. “I mean it. I’ve got plenty of time off saved up that we could go away for months. Maybe even longer.” He pulls me closer to him. “We both need a change of scenery and this time you don’t have to leave alone.”

Surprised I look up into his eyes and realize he’s always known. That’s what made him different. He could look into my eyes and see into my soul. I’ve let him further into my life and heart than any of the others. Now I know why. My restless soul recognized another restless soul the moment I found him. I say, “Let’s leave tomorrow,” and he kisses me deeply.

Saturday, September 30, 2006

Somewhere, Anywhere...

I close the door quietly behind me and walk out into the darkness. The cool night air goosebumps my overheated skin and I’m glad I grabbed my jacket on my way through the hall. I slip into my car, pausing to drink in the silent closeness of the night. I turn the key, roll down all the windows, and ease out onto the street.

I’m struck by the emptiness around me but resist the urge to check the time. This isn’t about watching the clock. This is about feeling free for just a little while. It’s about breathing some fresh air for a change.

My car moves swiftly out onto the highway and accelerates of its own accord. There’s no destination chosen just a need to be away. I’ve got the clothes on my back and a credit card. That should get me somewhere, anywhere. Just away from here.

I think about leaving and never going back. Disappearing would be so easy and they would only miss me for a while. Eventually, their memories of me would fade and their lives would go on. They’d be happier without me.

I concentrate on the dark strip of asphalt ahead of me. My headlights are the only source of light for miles. Not another living soul for miles and the car feels like it’s flying. I turn off the headlights and soar.

The wind whips the hair away from my face and carries my laughter up into the hills. My heart finally lifts and I inhale the feeling like it’s air. Breathing in excitement and breathing out fear. Racing into the night as fast as my car will go.

I can finally feel blood pounding into every part of my body. All my senses alive and awake, drinking in as many sensations as they can. I sigh with pleasure and reach down to turn the headlights back on.

My car is still safely between the lines on the highway but that doesn’t take away from the thrill. The air around me still feels electric. My heart is still racing. My whole body is tingling as I slow and leave the highway behind.

I retrace my still deserted path, slowly pull into the driveway, and get out of the car. I walk in from the darkness and close the door quietly behind me. I leave my jacket in the hall and move towards the bedroom. Slowly I remove all my clothes and the cool sheets goosebump my overheated skin as I crawl into bed. I slip into your arms and drink in the silent closeness of your body. Sighing, I ease into sleep.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

I Never Dreamed...

that I would climb over the moon in ecstasy,
But nevertheless it's there that I'm shortly about to be
'Cause I've got a golden ticket
I've got a golden chance to make my way
And with the golden ticket it's a golden day.

No, I'm not going to Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. Where I'm going will be much more fun and far less fattening. :)

Cleggy & I are going to visit Laslo & Queen B. I simply CANNOT wait. After the last three & half months, I am ready for some fun. And this long weekend promises to be as much fun as I can handle. There are going to be lots of movies, some good food, and if that wasn't enough dear Cleggy is making me travel CD's for the trip from his house to theirs. Of course the usual rules apply. He makes them and I keep them. There's several of them so if we're a little late getting there, Laslo & Queen B, don't worry. We're probably riding around the block a couple hundred times so I can finish listening. :P

So I'm leaving Thursday and I'll be gone until Monday. No misbehaving while I'm gone. Save that until I get back and can participate. :P

Saturday, September 16, 2006

New Poetry Saturday - Part 3......

Who knew this would become a weekly thing after all?! Except next week when I will be out of town. :P

The usual disclaimers apply......


she’s a good mommy
loves you very much
play in the yard
where mommy can see you
but the evil thing
crept up and snatched you
mommy can’t be everywhere
now her heart breaks
her tears fall until you’re home
the evil thing goes free
but so do you
you’re safely home
never to feel safe again
the nightmares come
mommy buys your first nightlight
the yard gets fenced
and you see a new friend
twice a week
in an office filled with toys
you learn to play jacks
and to trust a few people
but the nightmares stay
there’s talk of you going away
so you become the perfect child
you don’t cry
you don’t misbehave
you take care of yourself
and do everything you can
to never draw attention to yourself
if they can’t see you
then they can’t hurt you
the nightmares are the same
you’re so painfully shy
saving that radiant smile
only for a few friends
lonely little wallflower
if you’re very quiet
maybe they won’t notice you
won’t make fun and tease
and the evil thing won’t find you
but the nightmares never go away

Saturday, September 09, 2006

New Poetry Saturday - Part 2......

I really had not planned on making this a weekly thing. I don't write poems that often. I also figured what few readers I have would get bored and wander off if I kept posting my weak version of poetry. But here we are again and I wrote another poem last night.

This one needs a bit of a disclaimer. This poem is in no way about me or anyone that I know. Please do not start emailing or calling me in panic. Life has been rough the last few months, but I'm too genetically happy for it to get me this far down.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Sometimes I have no idea where my poems come from. They just hit me and I feel compelled to write them down.

So without further ado......


sad tears on the window sill
with an empty view to nowhere
lonely words in a worn diary
pages covered with salty stains
dreams hidden between the covers
never to see the light of day
no one she could talk to
without a shoulder to lean on
she wasn’t missed for five days
by then it was far too late
all that’s left is an investigation
and scattered clues to find
officers fill a flowered room
that she’s only been in alone
no fingerprints but her own
the doors locked from inside
only one conclusion to be drawn
the suspect list is too short
blame can be firmly placed
it’s clear what happened here
she was stalked by melancholy
and violently killed by loneliness

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Tagged back....

My friend, Wes, doesn't usually tag people, but I think this might be payback for the last time I tagged him. :P

So here is my list of things you don't know about me. Not as easy as you might think.

1. I was afraid of needles up until I was diagnosed with diabetes 15 years ago. Now I not only give myself a shot twice a day, but I've even helped nurses take my blood and put an IV into my arm.

2. I failed my driving test the first time I took it. I borrowed a friend's station wagon to take it and I hit the back cone during parallel parking. I took it again and passed it two days later. That day was Friday, June 13th. :)

3. LadyBug is my nickname in real life. My Mom gave it to me the day I was born and it stuck. Many years later, Cleggy added the Princess part when he wrote me my very own fairytale.

4. Since I was a small child I've been very picky about my food. When I put food on my plate, I don't like for it to touch. And most of the time I will eat it one thing at a time.

5. I wrote my first poem before the age of 10. It was about Halloween and I wrote it to amuse my little brother.

6. My favorite number is 6 and has been since I was a child. No idea why. Maybe because I was born in June. :P

7. My family is German, but I hate German food. Ugh.

8. My ears are so small that I can't really use regular ear buds. They either fall out or leave my ears very sore.

I'm tagging everyone that reads this and has the time to do their own list. This means you! :P

Saturday, September 02, 2006

New Poetry Saturday....

Okay this probably won't become a weekly thing. I just happened to write something today.

This poem was a bit of a tease. I was out and about when the first three stanzas hit me. I almost couldn't get home fast enough to get the words down. Then just as suddenly as the words came, they left. I knew it wasn't finished but I couldn't hear the ending yet. As I got ready to file it away as yet another unfinished poem, the last two stanzas hit me in a rush.

So without further ado, here is my latest creation. I would appreciate any and all comments and criticism. I'll try not to take it personally. :P


no one will ever love you like i can
i would die for you but it looks like i’m alone
you’ll find yourself old, unhappy, and lonely
when you figure it out the chance will be gone

with me you could have had it all
your wishes and dreams come true
we could have made such a happy life
but we won’t and the one to blame is you

i’ve touched all of you, body and soul
with word and hand left you wanting more
showed you heights you’ve never known
and made you feel better than before

after i’m gone you will finally realize
just how good your life with me had been
you’ll always regret letting me get away
sending me off to the new life i’m in

one day it will hit you exactly what you’ve lost
but by then there will be nothing you can do
it will be too late and all that will be left
is the memory that i once loved you

Monday, August 28, 2006

Random Observations....

With visual aides. :)

If you are hauling this down the road, you will cause traffic jams due not only to the
size of the object but also due to the dorks that will take a picture of it with their phones. Yup, I'm a dork. :P


My gorgeous nephew, JC, knows how to kick back and relax. Live & learn people.


Sometimes a girl's best friend is her teddy. Say hi to mine, Puddin'.


Howard Cosell and Marv Alpert had
a love child.


Sometimes we all need a nap.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Mixed Reviews...


As I sit here in my empty and very quiet apartment, I can't help feeling a bit sad. My stepmom & dad left before noon today after being here since the evening of June 7th. I have lived alone for nearly 3 years now, but it didn't take me long to get use to "roomies". Granted I've spent most of that time in one form of pain or another trying to recover from what turned into major surgery. I needed the company far more than I wanted it at first. That's not to say that I didn't want them here. I've just felt quite guilty this whole time to have taken them away from their own lives.

I also have a hard time asking for help even when I need it. I'm usually the caretaker in most of my relationships. I'm just not use to being dependent on someone else. Especially for things that I've been doing for myself since I was a kid. When you call people to tell them that you actually took a shower alone without any help, you know it's been a long recovery. Just so you know, I've been showering alone now for about two weeks. I also cooked myself dinner tonight and was so excited that I nearly called my stepmom to brag. I resisted the urge. :P

So I'm sitting here at my usual spot in front of my computer. The TV is off because it's not as much fun to watch when my parents aren't here to laugh at my running commentary. BTW, Daddy, today's kitchen colour was red and she put red wrapping paper on her table. She was scarier without you here. :P

I stayed busy this afternoon. After Liz (my nurse) left, I went to the library to pick up a couple of books to read and spent some time talking to a librarian that had missed me coming in. I stopped at Whataburger on the way home. (Sorry, Mom!) Once home I made a few phone calls and watched some TV. Before I knew it evening was here and it was time to cook dinner and talk to Cleggy.

Now it's time for bed and I'm feeling a bit lonely. I haven't cleaned the kitchen and don't think I'm going to tonight. (Sorry again, Mom!) I miss my parents (BOTH sets). And I miss Cleggy, a lot. I miss my brothers, my sister, my niece, my nephew, and I even miss my mom & stepdad's dog, Zander. How lame is that?!

Hello, Pitiful? Party of one.

Yeah, that's me. Ugh.

And to make matters worse, I've just admitted to all the people on the internet (okay just to the six people that read this lame blog) that I miss a stupid dog. (Sorry, Zan. You know I don't mean that.) :P

So what to do, what to do? Tomorrow I'm hoping to get a check in so I'll actually have more than 51 cents in my checking account. That's key when you want to pay your rent. Saturday is my 20th year high school reunion (yup, 20 years. someone hand me my cane please). And I have to be back here in time to meet the nurse on Sunday. No partying for me. Not that it was in the plans due to this bum liver. Then again, I'm crazy enough sober so who needs alcohol?!

Okay, pity party is over. Move it along now. Nothing to see here.

On an up note, for the first time in nearly three months I get to sleep without trying to ignore my dad's snoring. On a down note, for the first time in nearly three months I have to go to bed without my stepmom begging me to stop making her laugh before she pees on herself.

As usual, my life is getting mixed reviews. :P

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Eegads! Tagged Again...

This time by a woman. Now that's just kinky. And all of those I am about to tag can thank Anne B. :P

"10 years ago..."
I met Cleggy online and because of the wonderful friendship we formed I finally began to mourn my Grammy and move on with my life. Until I met him, I never knew how quickly or deeply I could care about someone. My life has never been the same and I thank God every day for that. Also, my two favorite monkeys were born. One in March (my neice) & one on my birthday in June (Cleggy's nephew). I had one of a series of dead end jobs and had finally decided to stop dating since I sucked at it so badly.

"5 years ago..."
I was recovering from an unexplained nine & half week period and avoided a hospital stay by sheer stubborness. I was living with my sister and my neice in Louisiana. I was going on a year of being unemployed and was seeing that begin to eat away at what little self-esteem I had. It was also the beginning of the writing drought that I am still in and commonly refer to as hell.

"one year ago..."
I was reeling from an attempted carjacking/kidnapping in January and spending a horrific night in jail over a hot check that I had already paid for. While still dealing with the health issues resulting from my night in jail without insulin, I had to deal with major car trouble. The repair cost would force me to have my car refinanced. That would eventually lead to it being repossed the following January.

"5 songs I know all the words to..."
If I Had A Million Dollars by the Barenaked Ladies
Sister Don't Cry by Collective Soul
Music of the Night from Phantom of the Opera
Symphony by Kathleen Wilhoite
Angels by Robbie Williams

"5 snacks I love and wish I could eat"
Sugar-free chocolate covered almonds or peanuts
Golden Delicious apples
Rice cakes with peanut butter & banana

"5 places I'd run away to..."

"5 things I'd never wear..."
A tube top
A mini skirt
Stiletto heels (I'm clumsy in flats)
Spandex clothes of any sort other than a bathing suit
A thong

"5 favorite tv shows..."
Any CSI type show (CSI, NCIS, Criminal Minds, Numbers, Cold Case, Without A Trace, etc.)
Road Tasted
Good Eats

"5 greatest joys..."
My friends & family
Writing & Reading
Making something with my hands (Crochet, cross stitch, cooking, general crafting, etc.)

"5 favorite toys...."
My computer
My car
My Palm Pilot (thanks again, Cleggy!)
My TV & DVD Player (thanks again, Mom & John)
Almost any book

"Tag Five People..."
Well, I'm going to tag more than five in the hopes that someone responds. :P
The White Horse
Margo's Musings
Mistress Violet's Life Observations
Laslo's Semi-boring Adventures
WendyDarling's Musings To Peter
Queen B Experiences Life
Sweetest T's Blog
what if this is as good as it gets?
BigRedOne's Random Thoughts
smash the machine

Monday, August 21, 2006

Thank you, thank you, thank you...

I want to say thank you to the wonderful artist that has made me a perfect, one-of-a-kind, adorable Princess LadyBug portrait.

Her name is Marta and she's the mother of one of my best friends, Margo. Marta & Margo are proof that artistics tendencies are hereditary. They are both very accomplished artists in their own way.

You can see some of their breath-taking work here...
Margo and Marta

So again, Marta, thank you so much from the bottom of my very grateful heart. As always I am in awe of your talent.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

And the Saga Continues...

So where was I? Oh yeah...

I came home from the hospital on June 14th wearing a more comfortable binder/girdle, but would eventually convince my stepmom that I needed a break from it. I also came home with three small incisions ranging from two to four centimeters from the attempted laproscopic surgery, a three-centimeter hole from the wound drain, and a twenty-four centimeter incision from the actual surgery. Along with various staples, drains that looked like rubber bands, and even safety pins. I looked like a victim in a slasher movie.

As I said my first week home was a bit of a shock to me. Not only could I not do things for myself, but the dressing on my wound needed changing every day. For the first two days home, a home health nurse came out to show my stepmom how to do it. Since my stepmom has worked as a nurse's aide for years, she was a very quick study. She has a very gentle touch and a great bedside manner. She was a very skilled nurse's aide, but she would suck as an actress.

Each day she changed the dressing it became increasingly apparent that something wasn't quite right with part of the incision. We began a game of pretend. She pretended it was fine and I pretend to believe her. Of course this game only lasted until my doctor's appointment the following week.

My doc took one look at it and announced it was necrotic and would have to be re-opened. I knew it was necrotic but had no clue that re-opening it was the usual procedure. Imagine my surprise and horror at the idea. On second thought, don't. Just don't go there at all. Let's just say that I now looked like a bad slasher movie.

So with the incision re-opened, I went back to daily nurse visits. The now open wound would need to be cleaned and packed every day until the supplies for our new treatment came in. My doc decided to put on something called a wound-v.a.c.. The description of it and what it would do certainly didn't excite me, but I was willing to try anything to heal. Not to mention that the packing was pretty painful.

On June 28th, the nurse came to install the wound-v.a.c. This involves cutting black foam, inserting it into the wound, and covering it with a clear plastic drape. Once this is done a tube is attached and hooked up to a vacuum machine. It is a truly amazing machine and absolutely the most painful procedure I have ever endured. The next two days were almost as painful from the constant suction on the wound. Unfortunately, it was going to get worse.

Two days later the nurse returned to redress the wound. After removing the drape, we discovered that the foam had adhered to my wound. No matter how much saline she poured onto it, the foam just wouldn't budge. The thought occurred to me to just yank it off like a band-aid, but the slightest pull hurt so badly that I came close to passing out.

We convinced the nurse to go and assured her we would call the doctor first thing Monday morning since it was now after five on a Friday. After she left, I continued to work on the foam using sterile q-tips, tweezers, & scissors. I would work small pieces loose and then cut them off. When that stopped working, we tried covering it with a hot washrag to try and loosen it. After midnight, my stepmom finally convinced me to let her bandage the wound up and get some rest.

The weekend was filled with me trying to work the foam loose and praying. My stepmom & dad prayed. Their church prayed. My siblings prayed. My mom & stepdad prayed. My close friends prayed. And most of all, I prayed. My usual ability to find humor in everything seemed to be failing me, but I could still pray.

Monday morning I called the doctor's office and got his answering service. They were closed since Tuesday was July 4th. I left a message and he called me back within minutes. He told us to keep soaking the foam and surrounding area in SilvaSorb to slow down any infection and to be at his office first thing Wednesday morning. He was in surgery and didn't usually see patients on Wednesdays, but he would rush to his office once I got there.

Knowing we had more waiting ahead of us, I wasn't in any hurry to have the dressing changed. The wound had other ideas. A leak in the dressing caused my stepmom to have to change it before the nurse arrived. This didn't excite me because it had been especially painful since Sunday night.

My stepmom pulled the tape and top dressing off then turned to throw it away. As she turned away from me, I shifted in my chair for some reason and the foam just sort of popped up. I was so shocked that all I could do was yell, "Momma!" She quickly turned around in alarm. Later she would tell me that my tone of voice had frightened her and she thought that an organ or something had fallen out. Nope. Just that pesky foam.

When the nurse arrived I informed her that in no way, shape, or form was that blasted foam being put into me again. The horrible machine that I suspected was a torture device from the Spanish Inquisition was in a box and would remain there until hell froze over as far as I was concerned. Since she was traumatized by the level of pain that I endured the last two times she visited, she readily agreed.

Wednesday I called the doctor's office and told them that the foam had miraculously just popped out and that none would be reinserted. Not willing to torture me, the doctor agreed. So I returned to daily nurse visits and the painful packing of the wound. By comparison the pain seem minimal to me and I tried not to complain.

A few days later the return of my sense of humor would be heralded by my announcement that I had been wounded in a sword fight. That quirky explanation of the wound continues to amuse my family, my friends, my nurses, my doctor, and especially myself. Like I said, if I don't laugh about it then I'll cry about it.

Coming up: How the lack of healing can cause hell to freeze over. Stay tuned.

Friday, August 18, 2006

We Interrupt the Regularly Scheduled Blog for a Message from our Sponsor...

I've started a new blog. I know what you are thinking. "OMG! She doesn't even update this one very often." Well this blog has a different purpose. The new blog is for my niece. In fact it's called Danye's Moon. I've only got one post up so far, but more are coming soon. So check it out if you get a chance

BTW, I mention in the other blog that I am the oldest of four siblings. If you're interested in knowing two of my three siblings, you can check out their blogs. My brother - BigRedOne's Random Thoughts and my sister - Sweetest T's Blog. And try not to hold it against them that they are related to me. It's really not their fault. I was already here when they got here (and screwed up a great only child gig). :P

Sunday, August 13, 2006

The Joy is in the details...

It's been over two months since my surgery and while there haven't been many blog updates there has been no lack of things happening. Well actually, at first there was a distinct lack of healing.

When I left the hospital all those weeks ago, I assumed the worst was over and I think everyone, including my doctor, did too. Driving (okay, I was really riding) away from the hospital, I was leaving behind so many things. An IV, a catheter, a feeding tube, sometimes excruciating physical therapy, a bipap machine, a nasal oxygen tube, daily blood tests, a blood transfusion, a tight and painful binder/girdle (although it was replaced by a more comfortable one), constantly interrupted sleep, drug-induced hallucinations, and a complete lack of privacy. The next few weeks would show me that sometimes the simplest things can be the hardest. My usual happy nature would be sorely tested and my sense of humor would be worked until it nearly wore out. From the moment I woke up and knew where I was, I decided that if I didn't find something to laugh at in everything then it would all drive me to tears. Looking back, I know I didn't have a clue what I was about to go through.

My first week home from the hospital was a bit of a shock for me. I am a very independent person and I've lived alone for nearly three years. I'm use to doing things for myself and by myself. I had trouble doing things for myself in the hospital, but I guess I thought it would be different once I got home. It wasn't. I still couldn't walk very far, cook for myself, or even go to the bathroom without help. If that wasn't enough to deal with, I quickly discovered that sleeping would be far more difficult than any of us had imagined it could be.

I could only lie on my left side or my back and I couldn't do that for more than a couple of hours at a time. In addition to the surgery incision on my right upper abdomen, I have severe tailbone pain from four previous injuries to it. So that limited how and where I could sit. This was an issue in the hospital, but with an adjustable bed it was mostly manageable. At home my choices of seats were my desk chair, a love seat, or my bed. Add to that the fact that my 497 sq. ft. apartment now housed 3 people and you have what I have come to call Cushion Roulette. My very patient parents played a game whose only rule is that every few hours I had to change locations. And that includes sleeping locations.

It would be weeks before I could spend most of the night in the bed. Every few hours, despite the pain medicine, severe pain in either my left hip or my tailbone would drive me out of bed. I would sit for at least a half hour in my desk chair and then lie down again hoping for a few more hours of sleep. I augmented this with an involuntary nap every afternoon on the love seat. I say involuntary because I haven't taken naps since kindergarten. I just don't do naps. Until now. I wonder if I can convince my boss to add that to my work day when I get back to work. :P

Thankfully the frequency of Cushion Roulette has reduced. I can spend much longer in one spot. And thanks to a bit more mobility in bed, I can now sleep through most of the night without getting up. If I had a larger bladder I might make through the entire night. :P

Well I think I've bored you all enough for now. There's more to tell and I'll get to work on another entry soon. Thank you all again for your thoughts, comments, prayers, and love.

Keep smiling! :)