Sunday, April 30, 2006

Surrealism, Non-sequiturs, and Sadness...

This has not been one of my better weekends. Since Wednesday night I've been having rather disturbing dreams. Not so much nightmares just the kind of dreams that make you reluctant to return to sleep. They seem so real, so vivid, so threatening. Seeing Cleggy for dinner & lunch this week was truly the only thing that got me through until Saturday when I knew I could rest. Or at least try.

Then Saturday evening I answered my phone, heard Cleggy's voice on the other end, and knew that my life was about to change irrevocably. He called to tell me that a friend had died earlier that day. A friend I hadn't seen in a while, but one I cared for quite deeply. One of the few friends I've actually blogged about. His name was Jimmy and he was one of the sweetest and craziest men I've ever known.

Of course I cried. Tears have come easily for me my whole life. For the good as well as the bad. I've always been overly emotional. Something about myself I've seen as a weakness. Although there are those in my life that would argue that point. Friends that say it's not a flaw but a sign of how deeply I care about and for people.

Since then it's been like I'm walking under water. Everything seems to be happening in slow motion. As if time has slowed nearly to a complete stop. I'm sure it's shock, but I can't seem to shake it. Today I've just been going through the motions of life, punctuated by tears when the grief bubbles to the surface.

Underlying that is a fear that approaches panic. A purely self-centered, selfish fear. Jimmy had diabetes and the last few years he's battled one problem after another. He had cancer on his nose. He had trouble with his feet that ended in amputation. And a few weeks ago he had heart surgery after a major heart attack. As anyone who has read my blog before knows, I am a diabetic.

After some blood tests this week, my doctor has decided to increase my thyroid medication and wants me to come in for an ultrasound of my liver. Neither thing really bothered me until Saturday evening. And they still don't when I remain logical about it. But when the grief masks the logic that aforementioned panic begins to rise. I told you it was self-centered and selfish.

Part of me is just not coping well. Another part of me is making a list of things that need to be done before Jimmy's memorial service next Saturday. I've already begun working on that list. I'll try to take off on Friday so that I have plenty of travel time. Not to mention a bit of time to pull myself together. Thankfully I get paid Friday so gas money won't be a worry at all.

This weekend I'll be with others who loved Jimmy since I'll be with Cleggy & his family. That will make an emotional day quite a bit more bearable. Now to just get through the week without slipping into autopilot again.

And just in case they have internet in Heaven......

Jimmy, I love you and I miss you! But I'm still mad at you for leaving us. :(

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Random things I have learned recently...

1. Doctors are happiest when thinking up all the tests they can run on you.

2. Shoe shopping can substitute for therapy in a pinch.

3. If an 18-wheeler (13 gears) reaches 60 mph faster than you do (5 gears) then you should probably pull over and catch a bus.

4. When you've reached 86 (my aunt) you can win any argument by reminding the other person who has lived longer.

5. My period doesn't care that I'm a diabetic. She wants what she wants and she wants it NOW dammit!

6. If it's hot enough outside a turtle will cross a blacktop road at a speed not normally attributed to turtles.

7. High gas prices will not keep you at home if your car is only a week old.

8. Toll roads are more fun when you can throw the change into the machine rather than hand it to a person.

9. Being allergic to cats will not keep you from picking up a month old kitten when it mews at you.

10. TV Infomercials are addicting and mesmerizing.

11. If your truck is so big that you have to give your wife/girlfriend a boost up into it then you need a taller woman or a shorter truck.

12. Free cone day at Ben & Jerry's will cause more traffic than a four car pile up.

13. Free cone day at Ben & Jerry's is bad for a diabetic. (Refer to #5)

14. When it's over 90 degrees outside, not even shade is cool.

15. If a prescription costs nearly $100, it suddenly becomes much easier to remember to take it every day.

Sunday, April 16, 2006


It's happened. I am the proud owner of a gray 2005 Ford Taurus. And she's sweet. Sunroof, CD player, leather interior, and it's all mine. Well mine & the bank's. :P

Check out the pics I snapped.
The Royal Photo Album

Thanks to everyone for the happy thoughts & prayers.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

i want to be the one

he can’t get out of his thoughts

who haunts him in the night

he compares every woman to

that hovers at the edge of all his dreams

who knows his heart like no other

his body craves to touch

whose voice echoes in his head

that makes him keep a part of himself separate

he calls for in his sleep

who distracts him even when gone

he longs to be near

that stirs his soul with my words

he can’t live or love without

i want to be the one

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Break It Down Baby...

Lacking motivation to clean, I put on a CD and turn it up. I head to the kitchen where the dirty dishes have been calling my name so long they are hoarse. I can barely hear the music begin over the running water, but that's okay. I know this song by heart. Every beat feels like the very beat of my heart.

Is your burden heavy?
Can you bear it alone?
Call me baby
And come on home
Is the life you're living
Filled with despair?
Call me daddy
And I'll be there

I feel the song start to move my body like it does my soul. My hips begin swaying slowly side to side. The singer's voice carrying me along as much as the music.

Oh break it down baby
You can show me the way
Hold me, squeeze me
Swing and sway
Are you worried 'bout if I'll stay?
I won't let you get away

My eyes close as my hands go on autopilot. The beat of the music controls the beat of my heart. The words I know so well begin softly falling from my parted lips.

Half a mile or so and then
I'll be knocking at your window
And you'll have to let me in
Oh listen to my innuendos
I don't want to talk all night
Just show you what I’m saying
Don't just stand there
Hear what's right
And I promise I’m not playing

The dishes suddenly forgotten as the song completely takes me over. I shake my hair loose from its prison and feel it's silky, golden strands pour over my shoulders and down my back.

Break it down baby
You can show me the way
Hold me, squeeze me
Swing and sway
Are you worried 'bout if I'll stay?
I won't let you get away

With my arms in the air, I slowly spin. My hips keeping their steady rhythm back and forth. My body and voice matching the crescendo of the song. As I sense the end of the song nearing, I lift my hair off my neck and continue my solitary dance.

Break it down baby
You can show me the way
Hold me, squeeze me
Swing and sway
Are you worried 'bout if I'll stay?
I won't let you get away

You silently come up behind me and place your hands on my hips. You pull me into you and join my dance. Your body swaying with mine. Your lips softly brush my neck. As the song slowly releases its hold on me, I feel you tighten yours.

Are you worried 'bout if I'll stay?
I won't let you get away
Break it down
Break it down baby
Break it down, break it down
Break it down
Break it down baby

If you'd like to experience "Break It Down Baby" by RobinElla on your own then download it here.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Is it wrong to like being tagged?!

Brooke posted this very cool music meme and then tagged all her readers. Since I am definitely a loyal reader I'm passing on the tagging. (Would that make this group tagging?)

Answer the following questions using only the song titles from a chosen musician/band.

Band I chose: Barenaked Ladies

Are you male or female? Alternative Girlfriend

Describe yourself. Crazy

How do some people feel about you? Call And Answer

How do you feel about yourself? Unfinished

Describe your ex: New Kid

Describe your current significant other: Great Provider (If I had a Significant Other)

Describe where you want to be: Another Postcard

Describe how you live: Who Needs Sleep?

Describe how you love: Lovers In A Dangerous Time

What would you ask for if you had just one wish? If I Had $1000000

Share a few words of wisdom: When You Dream

Now say goodbye: This Is Where It Ends

And of course I'm tagging the usual suspects: Cleggy, Mistress Violet, & Laslo.