Tuesday, February 28, 2006

It's quiet here......

Maybe too quiet.

Cleggy has gone home for the night so Thunderbird has stopped telling me I have email. The neighbors have settled in for the night so there are no creaking floorboards above my head or the usual sounds you hear when two adults and two dogs live in a very tiny space coming from next door. The TV is off because I can only stand to hear it's babble for so long. The only sound is the hum of the air conditioner and the rhythmic clicking of the keyboard.

Some nights this is the best time in the world for me. A time to recharge and relax. That stillness between showering and crawling into bed. The only time in my day that I have truly all to myself. The ringer turned down on my phone. The away message up on my computer. Decompression in progress.

Then there are nights like tonight when I don't just feel alone, but lonely. When the quietness makes me feel isolated instead of calm. When I realize that my brother lives 300 miles away and my parents live 1800 miles away. My closest friends live 200 miles away (Cleggy), 300 miles away (MV), and in New Zealand (Margo).

I know this feeling is brought on by anxiety over minor surgery I must have next week, but I don't think that makes it any less valid.

I'm basically a very shy person face to face. There are days when once I leave work I won't speak to another living soul until the next morning. Not out loud anyway. I live alone and despite the rumors about being insane, I am not prone to talking to myself. From Saturday afternoon when I left my doctor's office until Monday morning as I was waiting for my second bus, I hadn't said even one word out loud. It's a sobering thought.

Living alone has been good for my independence but I'm not so sure it's been good for my people skills. My hermit-like tendencies and lack of a vehicle seem to be making me even more isolated than usual. I don't want to get old and find that I'm that scary old lady at the end of the block with a hundred cats. For one thing, I'm allergic to cats.

Anyway, I'm rambling again. So let's chalk up another blog to PMS and call it a night. I'm going to crawl into bed and enjoy the quiet while I can. Never know when the upstairs neighbor will do some 3am vacuuming. And I wish I was kidding about that. It wouldn't be so bad if he'd just come down and vacuum my apartment too. :)


WendyDarling said...

I know this is scary for you, and we are praying for you. I wish we lived closer, or could at least get together for the weekend. Remember, you don't have to not speak for the whole weekend. We have free minutes you know! :-) Love you!!!!!!

Empress said...

3am vacuuming? How insensitive! And how grating on the nerves when you are pmsing AND can't sleep. Trust me, if you should ever vent those frustrations on your upstairs neighbor when he/she vacuumes at 3am, PMS has become a legitimate defense! LOL

I know what you mean about not uttering a single word for a couple of days. I prefer to call it "saving my voice for people who matter", LOL.

Good luck with the surgery, princess. Will keep sending out those positive vibes!

Princess LadyBug said...

Thanks, Empress! I'm working on sending out my own positive vibes too.

It's an older guy living upstairs. His daughter comes often to visit and the neighbor's & I have complained to her before. He would do it several times a week. So she took his vacuum away. She gave it back to him about a month ago. Since then he's only done it once and it was more like midnight

Besides I'm from Texas and "He needed killing" is a defense here. :P