It's quiet here......

Maybe too quiet.

Cleggy has gone home for the night so Thunderbird has stopped telling me I have email. The neighbors have settled in for the night so there are no creaking floorboards above my head or the usual sounds you hear when two adults and two dogs live in a very tiny space coming from next door. The TV is off because I can only stand to hear it's babble for so long. The only sound is the hum of the air conditioner and the rhythmic clicking of the keyboard.

Some nights this is the best time in the world for me. A time to recharge and relax. That stillness between showering and crawling into bed. The only time in my day that I have truly all to myself. The ringer turned down on my phone. The away message up on my computer. Decompression in progress.

Then there are nights like tonight when I don't just feel alone, but lonely. When the quietness makes me feel isolated instead of calm. When I realize that my brother lives 300 miles away and my parents live 1800 miles away. My closest friends live 200 miles away (Cleggy), 300 miles away (MV), and in New Zealand (Margo).

I know this feeling is brought on by anxiety over minor surgery I must have next week, but I don't think that makes it any less valid.

I'm basically a very shy person face to face. There are days when once I leave work I won't speak to another living soul until the next morning. Not out loud anyway. I live alone and despite the rumors about being insane, I am not prone to talking to myself. From Saturday afternoon when I left my doctor's office until Monday morning as I was waiting for my second bus, I hadn't said even one word out loud. It's a sobering thought.

Living alone has been good for my independence but I'm not so sure it's been good for my people skills. My hermit-like tendencies and lack of a vehicle seem to be making me even more isolated than usual. I don't want to get old and find that I'm that scary old lady at the end of the block with a hundred cats. For one thing, I'm allergic to cats.

Anyway, I'm rambling again. So let's chalk up another blog to PMS and call it a night. I'm going to crawl into bed and enjoy the quiet while I can. Never know when the upstairs neighbor will do some 3am vacuuming. And I wish I was kidding about that. It wouldn't be so bad if he'd just come down and vacuum my apartment too. :)

Nerves plus PMS equals......

An emotional roller coaster ride with multiple stops for snacks.

What?! Amusement park food is good and good for you. Admit it. Greasy burgers. Greasy fries. Greasy funnel cake. Sticky cotton candy. You need something to chase down all that grease. And for dessert you can have a carmel apple. With sprinkles.

Excuse me. Could someone tell the ride operator it's time for another snack stop? NOW!


Okay, kidding aside. I'm having one of those nights where I'm mentally going through everything in the frig and cupboard. I'm tired enough that it can't be something I have to cook, but hungry enough that it could be peanut butter straight from the jar. The spoon is optional. Actually sex would be a damn good substitute instead.

How wrong is that? PMS is not a nice task master. And it’s far kinder to me than it is to the people in my life. My poor, loyal, devoted friends. Some months they deserve hazard pay and a medal of honor. Especially when they share the cookies.

Sorry for the rambling, but I’m really nervous about a medical procedure I’m having tomorrow and the PMS is taking advantage of that. Sometimes it seems to have a life of its own. Which reminds me. I’d better go feed it before it becomes really mean and nasty. Believe me, you do NOT want that to happen.

By request......

Empress has asked for an update on Mr. Immuned. So here goes...

Unfortunately he has not been back at the bus stop since I last wrote about him. I did see him earlier this week at a bus stop across the street which means he was headed in the other direction.

Seeing him got me to thinking that I definitely focused on the negative too much in this situation. Instead of dwelling on him not smiling I decided to work on noticing all the people who did. Not just the men since I'm not really trying to find a date during my daily commute. I'm not keeping an official tally but I will say that about 98% of all the people I've smiled at have smiled back at me. Some have even smiled first.

Which is nice since it's been a rough week. But that's a whole other blog post.

Missed opportunity?

Albert Einstein said, "In the middle of every difficulty lies opportunity."

I don't think Albert had trouble making friends and influencing people.

Time for an update on Mr. Immuned. Actually there is no update. Thursday & Friday he wasn't at the bus stop or on the bus. So I guess I'll have to chalk this one up to another missed opportunity. But I no longer feel like my smile needs validation.

As I arrived at the bus stop on Friday, I immediately noticed that Mr. Immuned was not in sight. I have to admit to being quite disappointed. Until the bus actually pulled up, I didn't give up hope. There must have been a look on my face I wasn't aware of because the man that was at the bus stop asked me if I was okay. I assured him I was then I smiled. And guess what? He smiled back.

For the next few stops we talked about all sorts of things and every time I smiled, he smiled back. My confidence, such as it is, was beginning to be restored. When he got off the bus he made a point to stop and shake my hand. He also told me he hoped he would see me on the bus again. I was flattered.

So when I go back to work on Tuesday, if Mr. Immuned is at the bus stop, I won't feel quite so bad if he doesn't smile at me. After all he's just one man and it's his loss, right?

BTW, this is where all of you agree with me. :P

Johari Window...

I borrowed this idea from Ubermilf. Hope she doesn't mind. :)

So here is how it works. Go here and follow the instructions. Then I'll be able to see what you people really think of me. :P

Don't forget to do your own too!

Here is a description of what a Johari Window is.

If you'd like to track the results with me then click here.

Thanks!

Smile and the world smiles with you...

Or so I thought...

Yesterday I think I met the first man for as long as I can remember that is totally immuned to my charms. Okay, I'm not as conceited as that sounds. Not even close. I'm no Marilyn Monroe, but I'm no John McEnroe either. But rarely has a man not smiled at me after I've smiled at him. Believe me it's not because I'm beautiful or sexy. I've just always had that effect on people. Even people who are known for not smiling much.

I offer as proof someone who for anonymity's sake I will call WS. He was one year behind me in high school. I was friends with his sister who was in the same grade as me. So of course I knew him too. We were all in marching band together. My senior year my lunch changed to the same as WS. His sister, another mutual friend, WS, and I had lunch together every day.

WS was known as a very serious person. He rarely smiled. In fact he smiled so infrequently that only his sister could say for sure that he even knew how.

Although I knew WS, I had never spent much time with him. I was a bit nervous our first lunch together. I'm actually a very shy person and in high school it was even worse. So shy that lunch was nearly over before I looked up. When I did finally look up I noticed that WS was watching me quite closely. I gave him a weak smile and looked back down.

"Are you always this quiet or does it come from an extreme dislike of your present company?" WS asked just above a whisper. "Oh no!" I answered immediately, worried that I'd offended him. I looked up again and found that he was studying me intently. I glanced in his sister's direction and realized that her and our other friend were deep in discussion and paying no attention to us.

I looked at WS again and blushed. "I guess I'm just shy," I said. "You guess?" he countered, raising one eyebrow. Suddenly it all seemed quite funny and I laughed. Then the most extraordinary thing happened. WS not only smiled, but he laughed. To confirm the rarity of both things happening, his sister looked at both of us in amazement.

Thus began a year full of smiles and laughter. WS still didn't smile or laugh often, but that was only when I wasn't around. Many people, including his family, asked me to tell them my secret. I told them it was no secret. I just smiled at him and he smiled back.

I often wonder where he is and how he's doing. And I wonder if he continued to smile more after I graduated. I hope so.

So armed with my WS experience, I arrived at my evening bus stop today determined to make this new man smile back. He walked up a few minutes after me and I suddenly found myself feeling shy. All of my determination having fled I quietly waited for the bus while staring at my shoes. Mentally I berated myself for not following through with my plan, but my eyes remained glued to my feet.

When the bus arrived I climbed aboard and quickly found a seat. I busied myself with getting comfortable and getting my CD player situated. When I lifted my head to slide my headphones on, I saw him intently watching me. Not in a creepy stalker kind of way. (Relax, Cleggy!) But in a way that reminded me a great deal of the way WS would watch me. As if I were a puzzle he was trying to solve.

Still no smile, but tomorrow is another day. I'll keep you posted.

:)

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways......

Or my totally awesome Valentine's gift from another woman.

Sometimes it takes a woman to know what another woman really needs. I recently mentioned in passing to my oldest friend, Mistress Violet, that I wish I was dating someone that would send me flowers on Valentine's Day. It was a fleeting thought voiced in an IM and once expressed I didn't think about it again. MV did. Thought about it and ran with it.

Today at work I received a dozen red & white tulips from MV and her boyfriend. Not only did MV remember my fav flower but she also included a card that made a sweet, loving gesture turn into an awesome gift. The idea behind the card was that I didn't have to tell anyone at work the flower's were from a female friend if I didn't want to. Of course if the card made me blush while I laughed until I cried then MV would consider that a bonus. She got her wish.

Not only did she make me laugh but she made every single co-worker who read the card laugh. What did that card say? Read on.

"From the band, thank you for the most enjoyable night of our lives, we can't wait to see you when we're back in town! (That thing with your tongue... WOW!)"

Yeah, she rocks. We've been friends since we were 14. That's almost 24 years for those of you struggling to do the math. We've been friends for over half our lives. That's pretty good for a friendship that started when she walked up to me on my first day at marching band practice and said, "Hi. Wanna be my friend?" What do you say to that?! You say, "Yes" and you never look back.

So please join me in giving this amazing woman a round of applause.


Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be backstage with the band. Rock on!

The wheels on the bus go round and round…

Or what I’ve learned from riding public transportation.


1. If your trip involves more than one bus, their schedules will never coincide and you will end up waiting at least 20 minutes for each transfer.

2. There is no musical device that can drown out the sounds of a public bus entirely.

3. Complaining to the driver about something he cannot change will not make you his favorite rider.

4. The automated fare machine is easy to use. Unless there are 18 people in line behind you. And if it's raining then it suddenly becomes impossible to operate.

5. No matter how light your bag feels when you leave in the morning it will feel like it weighs a hundred pounds by the time you lug that thing home in the evening.

6. Wearing headphones will not stop EVERYONE from talking to you.

7. Commuter buses going to upscale neighborhoods have comfortable, cushioned seats. Buses going to low-income, mostly immigrant neighborhoods (like mine) have hard, plastic seats.

8. The bus driver's seat is almost as cool as the captain's chair on Star Trek's Enterprise.

9. Walking on a moving bus is a lot like walking on the deck of a ship. Only the scenery isn't nearly as nice.

10. Most of the cars that stupidly cut in front of a fast moving bus are small enough that the bus could roll right over them without hesitation.

11. Waving at the bus driver after you've stupidly cut him off only increases his desire to roll over you.

12. People really do drive like idiots and it's best to bring something to read so you don't have to watch them in action.

13. That dollar bill that wouldn't work in the vending machine this morning will not magically work this afternoon in the automated fare machine.

14. Don't sit in the back row of the bus unless you are prepared to be teased because your feet don't touch the ground.

15. Riding the bus will make you miss your car, even if it is a rusted 1983 Buick Riviera.

Help needed......

Those of you who know me know what a huge fan I am of Wil Wheaton (actor, author, & blogger). In his blog today he made an appeal for help finding a bone marrow match for a friend's girlfriend.

WWdN: In Exile

I've been planning to find out if I can be a donor and I think this might be the inspiration I need to finally do that.  I can't help this woman but I might help someone else.  The reason I can't help this woman is that she is Filipino and her donor needs to be from the same ethnic background to be a match.  So if you know anyone who is Filipino please ask them read this blog or look into becoming a donor.

Please give some thought to becoming a donor too.