This has not been one of my better weekends. Since Wednesday night I've been having rather disturbing dreams. Not so much nightmares just the kind of dreams that make you reluctant to return to sleep. They seem so real, so vivid, so threatening. Seeing Cleggy for dinner & lunch this week was truly the only thing that got me through until Saturday when I knew I could rest. Or at least try.
Then Saturday evening I answered my phone, heard Cleggy's voice on the other end, and knew that my life was about to change irrevocably. He called to tell me that a friend had died earlier that day. A friend I hadn't seen in a while, but one I cared for quite deeply. One of the few friends I've actually blogged about. His name was Jimmy and he was one of the sweetest and craziest men I've ever known.
Of course I cried. Tears have come easily for me my whole life. For the good as well as the bad. I've always been overly emotional. Something about myself I've seen as a weakness. Although there are those in my life that would argue that point. Friends that say it's not a flaw but a sign of how deeply I care about and for people.
Since then it's been like I'm walking under water. Everything seems to be happening in slow motion. As if time has slowed nearly to a complete stop. I'm sure it's shock, but I can't seem to shake it. Today I've just been going through the motions of life, punctuated by tears when the grief bubbles to the surface.
Underlying that is a fear that approaches panic. A purely self-centered, selfish fear. Jimmy had diabetes and the last few years he's battled one problem after another. He had cancer on his nose. He had trouble with his feet that ended in amputation. And a few weeks ago he had heart surgery after a major heart attack. As anyone who has read my blog before knows, I am a diabetic.
After some blood tests this week, my doctor has decided to increase my thyroid medication and wants me to come in for an ultrasound of my liver. Neither thing really bothered me until Saturday evening. And they still don't when I remain logical about it. But when the grief masks the logic that aforementioned panic begins to rise. I told you it was self-centered and selfish.
Part of me is just not coping well. Another part of me is making a list of things that need to be done before Jimmy's memorial service next Saturday. I've already begun working on that list. I'll try to take off on Friday so that I have plenty of travel time. Not to mention a bit of time to pull myself together. Thankfully I get paid Friday so gas money won't be a worry at all.
This weekend I'll be with others who loved Jimmy since I'll be with Cleggy & his family. That will make an emotional day quite a bit more bearable. Now to just get through the week without slipping into autopilot again.
And just in case they have internet in Heaven......
Jimmy, I love you and I miss you! But I'm still mad at you for leaving us. :(